How to Stop Being a People Pleaser?

People pleasers often become so preoccupied with taking care of others that they forget to take care of themselves. They may strongly identify with being helpful and agreeable, to the point of neglecting their own needs, values, and beliefs. Their kindness, willingness to help, and difficulty saying no can make them vulnerable to being taken advantage of by others.

Over time, people-pleasers can become overwhelmed and resentful of those they are helping. Their aversion to conflict can lead them to tolerate bad behavior from others. Neglecting their own needs can cause them to feel unimportant. If you see yourself in this description, there are steps you can take to stop being a people-pleaser.

Practice Empathic Assertion to Stop being a People Pleaser

Since it can be hard for a people-pleaser to say no without trying to justify it, practising empathic assertion might be helpful. Some people initially think that being assertive means stepping all over people. However, assertiveness is really about connection. Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s feelings from their point of view. When you put the two together, you can respond in a way that acknowledges the other person’s situation or feelings, followed by a statement in which you stand up for yourself and what you need. Practising empathic assertion might be really useful when you try to stop being a people pleaser.

Keep a Confidence File to Stop being a People Pleaser

Since a lack of confidence can cause your people-pleasing ways, keep a file with positive and praising emails, cards or anything else. It’s one of the proven ways to stop being a people pleaser. It can even come in handy when asking for that raise. Print out any emails or letters of praise you’ve received from co-workers or higher-ups and taking them to your boss as another reason why you deserve a raise.

Practice Self-care to Overcome People Pleasing

Once you know yourself and your needs, you can start practising self-care. Self-care is about giving yourself the things that help you feel refreshed, calm, and energized so you can thrive. This includes eating healthy meals, exercising, engaging in activities that you enjoy, and spending time with friends and family. It can also include meditation, mindfulness, practising gratitude, getting your hair and nails done, and taking a relaxing bath. Self-care is not selfish. In fact, when you take good care of yourself, you have more to give to others.

Practice Successive Approximation to Overcome People Pleasing

Successive approximation means taking “one step in the direction you want to go” and rewarding yourself for getting that far. If your neighbour’s dog’s barking is driving you crazy, make efforts to confront the person by first saying “Good morning,” as you’re both leaving the house, she said. Another time, you might mention how noisy the neighbourhood has been. If he doesn’t get the hint, you can knock on his door and use an empathic assertion.

It can help to write down “how you get from A to Z”. This also helps you gain the courage to confront the person.

Don’t Apologize when it’s Not Your Fault

People-pleasers tend to be serial apologists. Pay attention to when you’re apologizing and consider if you’re really at fault. Ask yourself if you’re responsible for the situation. Usually, the answer is no. You as a person are entitled to your time and you need to rest and rejuvenate to be there for the people you want to help out. Look at saying no as an opportunity to spend your time doing what you value in your life.

Learn to Say NO to Overcome People Pleasing

People-pleasers have trouble saying no. When you always say yes, you can become easily become overwhelmed. This can lead to feeling anxious and building resentment against the people you are helping. Saying no some of the time can keep this from happening. You don’t need to give a lengthy explanation as to why you are saying no. Keep it short and matter of fact. Start by saying no to small requests. Try not to volunteer your time, energy, and help automatically. If you have two people ask you for something, say yes to only one of the requests. Saying no to some of the things that you really don’t want to do enables you to devote your all to the things that are important to you. When you are able to say no, your yeses become more meaningful as well.

Establish Healthy Boundaries to Stop being a People Pleaser

Establishing clear, healthy boundaries can keep you from feeling used by others. When you have healthy boundaries with both yourself and others, you will feel stronger as an individual, and your relationships will strengthen. People-pleasers often put the needs of others before their own, which can cause them to feel a lot of resentment. When healthy boundaries are established, you will be less likely to build resentment. For instance, if your friend always calls you to talk about her problems at dinner time, and your dinner gets cold, you might harbour resentment about this. Instead, you could establish a boundary. You can let her know that you won’t be answering the phone at dinner time and will only be able to talk to her after you are done eating. Once you establish a boundary, you need to make sure you abide by it as well.

Self-talk Yourself Up to Stop being a People Pleaser

Positive self-talk ain’t easy, but if you practise for a while and get better at it, it will work a charm in boosting your self-confidence. You’d be surprised how much of a difference a bit of self-love can make. Using positive self-talk is like being a good mother to yourself. You can use this to remind yourself of your priorities and boundaries. For instance, you might say “I can do this,” “I have the right to park in this parking spot,” “I made the decision that’s right for me” or “My values are more important than saying yes in this situation.”

Realize that You Can’t be Everything to Everyone

Again, people-pleasers want to make everyone happy. While you might make someone happy temporarily, it doesn’t work long term. And you can get hurt in the process. People who preserve their time and energy and don’t say yes to everyone also realize that they can’t make other people happy. People-pleasers must realize that the only thoughts and feelings they can change are their own.

Curiosity before Commitment

Great negotiators are curious. Ask more questions and learn about the situation.

Try to learn the following:

• What do they want?
• Why do they want it?
• What is the timeline?
• What exactly do they want you to do?
• Are you their only option?
• How else can they meet their needs?

After you ask these questions you say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This will allow you to distance yourself from the situation to avoid feeling the immediate emotional pressure as a people-pleaser to say yes. Taking the time to gather information will also make it more likely for you to make an informed decision. Asking a friend or colleague for their perspective as you consider your options will also help you in the decision making process. They might be in a better position to see whether or not you’re doing the right things for the right reasons. It’s often easier to see people-pleasing in others than it is to see it in yourself.

Information gathering, decision making, and responding are three distinct steps in the process to stop being a people pleaser. You’re more likely to slip into people-pleasing when you try to do both at once.

If you’re in a constant people-pleaser mode, you can lose sight of who you are. You may have no idea of what truly makes you happy. People pleasers may spend so much time trying to please others that they don’t know what to do with themselves if there’s no one asking them for something. Knowing the effects of being a people pleaser might be helpful to stop being a people pleaser and to overcome people-pleasing Constant people-pleasing behaviour can lead to:

Lack of self-care

Constantly devoting yourself to meeting the needs of others can cause you to neglect your own. You may find yourself getting sick or mentally burned out from the pressure of trying to please everyone.

Built-up Resentment

You may find yourself bottling up anger because you feel that people take advantage of you. That can lead you to make passive-aggressive comments and show other signs of your frustration. You may start pulling away from people instead of letting them know what’s going on and working to improve the situation.

Inability to Enjoy Yourself

The stress from constant people-pleasing can make it hard to enjoy simple pleasures like going out for ice cream or watching your favourite TV show. Committing yourself to a lot of different things can make it hard for you to wind down and relax because of the constant stress.

Take a step back and look at where you’re spending most of your time and energy. Keep track of how often you say yes when someone asks you for something. Think about how you feel in those moments. Taking stock of the times you’re unable to give a firm “No” can help you recognize those situations in the future and give a different response. Look for patterns in your people-pleaser behaviour, as this may help you in taking steps to stop being a people pleaser. There may be people that you feel more of a compulsion to try and satisfy. Your actions may be a way to recover from the hurt they caused you in the past.

Start recognizing your limits and placing boundaries around how you spend your time. Think about how much bandwidth you really have before making commitments. Try to expend your energy only on those things that align with your values and make you feel good. Get started overcoming People-pleasing behaviour today by reaching out to us. Our friendly team of Psychiatrists and Psychologists are here to help your journey on overcoming people-pleasing.